$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
