he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I came so hard my ears popped.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
