dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
