I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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