I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
