idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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