i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
