Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it because I queefed?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
