so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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