A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize