it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
