Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
