dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
