I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
