I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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