Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
