Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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