after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
