i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
