when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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