Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
