So drunk its hurt
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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