So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
