idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize