Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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