I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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