Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
