I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
