She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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