Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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