well I can't set my house on fire every night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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