I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
why do cheetos always look like penises
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
