Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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