Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize