She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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