The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize