found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
