Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
