It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
