gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
