I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
