How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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