Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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