Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
