if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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