So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Let's get the cat blown out
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
