She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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