If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
