I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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