He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
