In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
