oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
