3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
