You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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