A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
