i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
