so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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