O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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