make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
