i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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