i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
