You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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