You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize