Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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